ACT I. SCENE, A genteel Apartment.

WELL, this is the moſt unexpected Viſit!— but prithee, Harwood, what in the Name of Myſtery, hath brought thee to town at this unfaſhion⯑able Time of the Year?

The Loſs of my fair Houſekeeper.

The Loſs of Maria!—Is ſhe dead?

Worſe, my dear Frankly—elop'd.

Elop'd! Why I thought you had ſo great a Re⯑gard for each other, that you had been as inſeparable as old Age and Avarice, or a Coquette and a Looking-Glaſs.

I thought ſo too: but Women are as changeable as their Dreſſes: there is no anſwering for the Humours of the Sex —tho' Faith I cannot altogether excuſe myſelf in the Affair of our Parting.

Prithee explain.

You know, Charles, after the Death of my Wiſe, whom, with Shame I muſt own, I never thoroughly, lov'd, as ſhe was not mine but my Father's Choice. I prevail'd on Maria, who was either beggar'd by an unnatural Fa⯑ther or a villainous Uncle, to take upon her the Care of my Family. — Her good Senſe, Beauty, and Behaviour, imperceptibly won my Heart; but my Pride forbidding me to marry a Woman without a Fortune, I made uſe of every Means in my Power to—gain her Affections.

I underſtand you: to gain them in the old Way.

But the fair Maria was ſo much upon her Guard, or ſo obſtinately virtuous, that nothing but downright Matrimony would induce her to liſten to my Sollicitations.

An unreaſonable Gipſy! And ſo you dropp'd the Affair?

Not quite ſo haſty in your Concluſions, good Sir.—After a vaſt Profuſion of lying and ſwearing, which fail'd of the deſir'd Succeſs, I determin'd to make my grand Attack.

Reſolv'd like a Man of Spirit!

And accordingly one Night the laſt Week,

and ſo forth, I began my Aſſault.

Bravo!

It would be needleſs to tell thee I was repuls'd. —In ſhort, the dear, lovely, affronted, virtuous Maria, ſo highly reſented the Familiarity, that ſhe inſtantly left the Houſe, and from that Hour I have not ſet Eye on the fair Enſlaver.

And ſo you are come to Town to hire a new Houſekeeper?

No; to marry my old one, if I can be ſo fortu⯑nate as to encounter her.—I muſt have her!—I cannot be eaſy without her.—I have ſome faint Hopes of meet⯑ing with her, as ſhe was ſeen on the London Road.— Which do you think the moſt likely Way of finding her out?

Hum!—this requires ſome thought—ay—Pray what do you think of a penitential Advertiſement?

No hang it! Should I be diſcovered for the Au⯑thor, it would make me too ridiculous.

That's true I muſt confeſs—ſtay—do you ima⯑gine ſhe will be looking after another Place?

I fancy ſhe will, as her Finances muſt below.

Then the only Method I can put you into is an. Application to ſome of our Intelligence-Warehouſes.

I don't underſtand your cant Phraſe: Pray what: do you mean by an Intelligence-Warehouſe?

A Regiſter-Office.

Oh! I take you! the Places where Servants may be heard of.—Pray were not theſe Offices invented by the ingenious Author of Tom Jones?

They were.—The Project hath been, and ſtill is of great Utility to the Publick; but as there is no general Rule without an Exception, this laudable Inſtitution hath been ſtrangely perverted, thro' the Villainy and Avarice of ſome of it's Managers.—There is an old Raſcal in this Neighbourhood, who hath amaſs'd a tolerable Fortune by Abuſes of this Kind. His Office is frequented by Per⯑ſons of every Degree; and, among it's other Con⯑veniences, the good old Trade of Pimping is carried on with great Succeſs and Decency. I believe as many Proſelytes have been made to the Fleſh, by the Knavery of this Raſcal, as by the moſt ſucceſsful Bawd in Town.

So, I find the old Fellow is a Genius in his Way?

A complete one. — Our old School-fellow, Jack: Williams, is his Clerk, from which honourable Employ⯑ment he retires in a few Days to a Stewardſhip, to which I have lately recommended him.—By his Means I have often had an Opportunity of overhearing ſome Paſſages, which have afforded great Humour and Entertainment.

If my Heart were not ſo full for the Loſs of this dear Woman, I could like to throw away an Hour in an Amuſement of this Kind.

That you may this very Morning if you pleaſe— I'll introduce you — It will help to diſſipate your Melan⯑choly for the Loſs of your fair Deſerter.

Pſha! I am not in a Humour to reliſh any Plea⯑ſantry —excuſe me, Charles—ſome other Time I'll ac⯑cept of your Offer.

Since you are ſo ſerious, I muſt inſiſt on your going — Why thou art as melancholy as a ſuperſeded Placeman—Come; come, George, don't deſpair! — I war⯑rant we will find out it's Charmer in a few Days—You muſt go with me, Harwood.

Then I am ready to attend you.

Allons donc.

The Buſineſs of the Morning is partly over— What a croud of deluded Females have flock'd to this Office within theſe three Hours, in Expectation of the imaginary Place we have advertis'd! — A Regiſter-Office, under the Direction of ſo conſcientious a Perſon as Mr. Gulwell, inſtead of a publick Good, becomes a publick Evil—My upright Maſter ſeldom feels any Reflections of this Kind! Avarice is his leading Principle; and ſo long as he can ſwell his Bags, by the Folly or Credulity of Mankind, he will not ſuffer Conſcience to hinder him in his Purſuit of Gain—Mr. Frankly! —à propos! I muſt have his Opinion of this Letter—'tis an Affair too ſerious to be conniv'd at.

Mr. Williams, your Servant.

Sir, your moſt obedient.

I am come to aſk the Favour of your giving this Gentleman an Opportunity of overhearing the Hu⯑mours of the Regiſter-Office.

Sir, you could not impoſe on me a more welcome Command—Sir—I beg Pardon for my Freedom—if I miſtake not I had the Honour of being your Schoolfel⯑low —Your Name I think is Harwood?

It is, Sir —I am very glad to ſee you, Mr. Wil⯑liams.

Come, Sir, this is no Time for Compliments: I expect my Maſter every Minute—there is your Way, Sir—you may ſee all that come in thro' the Blind—pray ſlip the Spring-Lock for fear of a Surprize from my maſ⯑ter—if he offer to unlock the Door, Mr. Frankly, you'll ſtep into my Bedchamber —to your Poſts, Gentlemen: I think I hear him coming.

So this Advertiſement has brought in two Pounds thirteen ſhillings—no very bad Morning's Work—Well, thanks to the Memory of our witty Eounder, ſay I! Had he not luckily hit on the Scheme of a Regiſter-Of⯑fice, [9]I might have dangled on at Quill-driving without ever being worth a Groat.

But, Sir, do you think this Calling of ours the moſt conſcientious one in the World?—I begin to ima⯑gine my old Employment the Law the more honeſt Pro⯑feſſion of the two.

Mr. Williams, there is Roguery in all the Em⯑ployments under the Sun. Every Day's Experience will convince you, that there is no getting through the World without a neceſſary Portion of Trick and Chicanery.

Sir, if the Impoſture of this very Advertiſement were ſound out and duly puniſh'd, one or both of us would ſtand a fair Chance for the Pillory. How many poor Girls have this Morning been ſtripped of perhaps their laſt Shilling, by being amuſed with the Hopes of the Place we have advertiſed—In Faith, Sir, ſome of our Profeſſion are little better than downright Pickpockets— I am glad I ſhall have the good Fortune to leave it ſo ſoon.

Mr. Williams, I am truly ſorry for our Separa⯑tion, yet rejoice at the Occaſion of it—however, if you hope to make a Fortune in your alter'd Condition of Life, you muſt learn to keep your Conſcience in proper Subor⯑dination. I can aſſure you, that Fraud is as neceſſary a Requiſite in a Stewardſhip, as in an Intelligence-Office. — Is there no Meſſage from Dr. Skinflint about the Welch Living?

Yes, Sir: he ſays as Curates are ſo cheap in Wales, he will not take leſs than a thouſand Guineas.

A ſpiritual Curmudgeon! Why it is not quite a hundred a Year—I forgot to aſk if you call'd at Cap⯑tain Sparkle's laſt Night?

I did, Sir, and was ſurpriſed to ſee him ſo great⯑ly recover'd.

Ay, I thought he would grow better after the Embarkation! I never ſuppoſed him in any very great Danger, becauſe he refus'd eight hundred Guineas for his Commiſſion, when his Life was ſaid to be deſpair'd of — Have you finiſh'd the Aſſignment of the Surgeoncy?

No, Sir.

Then get it done, Mr. Williams — ſtay—you muſt write an Advertiſement for the Daily—any Time [10]this Afternoon will do—of an Employment to be diſpoſed of in Ireland of a thouſand Pounds per Annum, which requires little Learning or Attendance, and may be exe⯑cuted by a Deputy — Remember to add, that Secrecy is requir'd, and none but Principals need to apply.

I forgot to tell you, the young Gentleman was here, to know if you had receiv'd an Anſwer about the Secretary's Place.

Truly I am ſorry I cannot ſucceed—Fifteen hun⯑dred Guineas were inſiſted on—I pleaded the young Gen⯑tleman's acknowledged Merit, and the publick Services of his brave Father, who loſt his Life in fighting for his Country, which ſo ſoftened my Principal, that he ſunk his Demand from—

Fifteen to five hundred, I hope?

From Guineas to Pounds: I could get no fur⯑ther Abatement.

It is a Pity that ſuch extraordinary Merit ſhould have no better Succeſs.

Ah! Mr. Williams, if Places were given to Per⯑ſons of Merit only, the Lord have Mercy upon many a big-looking Family—away! here's Company a coming!

Heyday! Who have we here? By his looks he muſt be one of the Tribe of the Soup Maigres!

Be votre Nom Monſieur le Gulville?

It is, Sir—Your Buſineſs?

Site, me be tell dat dere be de grand Nombre of des Academies Françoiſes in Londres, an me vould be glad to be employer as un Maitre de Langues. Me ſpeak a de Frens vid de vrai Prononciation; an you ſee beſide ma Connoiſſance in de Langue Angloiſe be not de moſt inconſiderable.

O yes, Sir, you ſpeak very pretty Engliſh I muſt own — pray what buſineſs have you been bred to?

Biſneſs! do you means to front a me? me be von of de Gens de Qualité.

How, Sir, a Perſon of Quality, and ſo poor as to be ſeeking after a Livelihood?

Vy vere be de vonders of all dat? Noting be more commune in France—Me dit indeed ſometime, pour [11]paſſer le Temps, amuſer my ſel vid curl a de Air, and cut a de Corn of mine Comrades of Qualité of bot Sex.

Sir, if you be a Proficient in theſe Sciences, I give Joy with all my Heart, for I don't know a more profitable Calling in London: nay, nor a more reputable one; for it's Profeſſors are careſs'd by Perſons of the firſt Faſhion and Diſtinction — There's your Countryman Mon⯑ſieur Frizzellette de la Corneille, a Hair and Corn-Cutter in St. James's, that keeps his Chariot, tho' 'tis ſcarce half a ſcore Years ſince he would have made a Bow to the Ground for a Bellyfull of Soup-Maigre — Sir, I will cook you up an Advertiſement, as long as a Proclamati⯑on, that will effectually do your Buſineſs: In the mean Time I ſhall give Orders for one of the Laconic Kind, to hang in golden Letters over your Door, as ‘Hair and Corns cut after the French Taſte by a Perſon of Quality.’

Ay dat vill do ver vel! Par une Perſonne de Qualité.

But, Sir, as you are a Man of Rank, you may perhaps think it below your Dignity to follow any Pro⯑feſſion, that has the leaſt Appearance of Buſineſs?

Non, non, Monſieur: tout au contraire.

Then I dare venture to ſay, that in leſs than a dozen Years you will be rich enough to return to your native Country, and marry a Princeſs of the Blood—How in the Name of Wonder could you think of being a piti⯑ful Teacher of French for a Livelihood, when you are poſſeſſed of Talents, ſuperior to all the Learning in the World?

Me vill tell you, Monſieur—It be not more as dix leven—douze—tirteen —ay tirteen Year, ſince mon Couſin com'd over to l' Angleterre to teaſh a de Frens in de Boarding-Ecole—Vell, he dit engager de Affection of de Angloiſe Lady, ſa belle Ecoliere, runn'd avay vid her, and ſo begar he getted de Vife, vid not leſs as von hunder touſan Livres—Now, as mon Couſin could mar⯑rier de Lady, vid ſo much of de l'Argent, vy may not me ope to do de ſame?

True, Sir: but there's an ugly Act of Parlia⯑ment ſince that Time, which hinders you Fortune-hunting [12]Gentlemen from gaining ſuch Wives—Well, Sir, you will depoſit a ſmall Sum; two or three Guineas or ſo, and I ſhall begin the Advertiſement.

Hey! vat you ſay! depoſit!—Je ne entens pas depoſit.

O, Sir, I'll ſoon explain it!—Depoſit ſignifies—

Non, non, mon chere Ami!—it be impoſſible for me to know vat you means; for me do not under⯑ſtand un Mot de Langue Angloiſe.

Why, Sir, I thought your Connoiſſance in de Langue Angloiſe had not been de moſt inconſiderable?

O Monſieur!—but dat—dat—dat vas anoder ting.

Well, Sir, I muſt have two or three Guineas, by Way of Earneſt, before I proceed any further in your Buſineſs.

Two tree Ginee! begar! me could ſo ſoon give you two tree Million—Vat you take a me for? Un grand Voleur? von Tief?—You tink me ave rob you Ingliſe Exchequer; for all de Vorld know Dat of mine Coun⯑tree ave ſcarce ſo muſh to be rob of—Let a me ſee—me ave no more as von Chelin,—an von,—two,—tree alf Pence.

Thirteen Pence Halfpenny! a very critical Sum in England—Well, Sir, you may leave that in part: I muſt give you credit for the Remainder.

Dere, Sir—An ſo, Monſieur le Gulvelle, you tink en Verité me ſal ride in my Coaſh?

Not at all impoſſible—Call again in a Week, and you ſhall ſee what I have done for you.

Begar! you ave elever mine 'Art—Sire, me be votre tres humble, tres obligé, & tres devote, Servi⯑teur —O mon Dieu! Ride in my Caroſſe!

Your moſt humble Servant, good Monſieur le Caroſſe—If it were not for the Credulity of Mankind, what a Plague would become of us Office-keepers!

Sur, an I may be ſo bold, I'ſe come to ax an ye've ſped about t' Woman Servant, at ye advertis'd for.

I have not—Come nearer, young Woman.

Let me ſteck't Deer firſt, an ye pleaſe.

What Countrywoman are you?

I'ſe Yorkſhire, by my truly! I was bred an bworn at Little Yatton, aſide Roſeberry Topping.

Roſeberry Topping! Where is that, my pretty Maid?

Certainly God! ye knaw Roſeberry? I thought ony Fule had knawn Roſeberry—Its' t' biggeſt Mountain in oll Yorkſhire—It's aboun a Mile an a hofe high; an as coad as Ice at 'top on't i't hetteſt Summer's Day— that it is.

You've been in ſome Service, I ſuppoſe?

Ay, I'll uphode ye have I, ever ſin I was neen Year ald Nay, makins, I'd a God's-penny at Stowſlah Market, aboun hofe a Year afore at I was neen—An as good a Servant I've been, thof I ſay't myſel, as ever came within a pair o Deers—I can Milk, Kurn, Fother, Bake, Brew, Sheer, Winder, Card, Spin, Knit, Sew, and do every Thing at belangs to a Huſbandman, as weel as ony Laſs, at ever ware Clog-Sheen: An as to my Karecter, I defy ony Body, gentle or ſimple, to ſay Black'smy Nail.

Have you been in any place in London?

Ay, an ye pleaſe—I liv'd wi Madam Shrillpipe, in St. Pole's Kirk-Garth, but was forc'd to leave my Place, afore at I had been a week o Days in't.

How ſo.

Marry becoſe ſhe ommoſt flighted an ſcauded me out o my Wits — She wast arranteſt Scaud, at ever I met wi in my bworn Days—She had ſeerly ſike a Tongue, as never was in ony Woman's Head, but her awn—It wad ring, ring, ring, ring, ring like a Larum frae Mworn to Neeght—The ſhe wad put herſel into ſike Fluſters, that her Face wad be as black as't Reeking-Crook—Nay for that Matter I was nobut rightly ſarra'd; for I was tell'd aforehand, by ſome verra ſponſible Fwoke, at ſhe was a meer Donnot: howſomeſever as I fand my Money grow leſs an leſs every Day (for I had brought my good ſeven an twonty Shilling to neen Groats an two Pence) I thought [14]it wad be better to take up wi a bad Place, than nea Place at oll.

And how do you like London?

Marry, Sur, I like nowther Egg, nor Shell on't —They're ſike a Set o Fwoke, as I never ſaw wi my Eyn—They laugh an flier at a Body like ony Thing — I went nobut t'other Day ti't Baker's Shop for a Lafe o Bread, an they fell a giggling at me, as if I'd been yan o't greateſt Gawviſons i't Warld — Do you think, Sur, at I look ought like a Gawiſon?

Not in the leaſt, my pretty Damſel.

They may bwoaſt as they will o their Manners, but they've nea mare Manners than a Miller's Horſe, I can tell them that; that I can—I wiſh I had been ſtill at canny Yatton!

As you have ſo great a Liking to the Place, why would you leave it?

Marry, Sur, I was forc'd, as yan may ſay, to leav't!—The Squire wad not let me be—by my truly, Sur, he was after me Mworn, Noon, an Neeght—If I wad but ha conſented to his wicked Ways, I might a had Gould by Gopins; that I might—Lo ye, Squire, ſays I, you're miſta'en o me! I'ſe nane o thea ſort o Cattle— I'ſe a vartuous young Woman, I'll aſſeer ye—Ye're others Fwoke's Fwoke—Wad ye be ſike a Tayſtrell as to ruin me?—But oll wadn't do: he kept following an fol⯑lowing, and teizing an teizing me—At lang run I tell'd my ald Dame, and ſhe adviſed me to gang to London to be out of his way; that ſhe did like an honeſt Wo⯑man as ſhe was—I went to my Couſin Iſhbell, an ſays I to her, Iſhbell ſays I, come will you goway to London? —An tell'd her the hale Affair atween me an the Squire— Odſbeed! ſays ſhe, my Laſs, I'll gang wi thee ti t Warld's End—An away we come in good yearneſt.

It was a very vartuous Reſolution—Pray how old are you?

I'ſe ninteen come ald haly Even.

Would you undertake a Houſekeeper's Place?

I'ſe flaid I cannot manege't, unleſs it were in a Huſband-Man's Houſe!

It is a very ſubſtantial Farmer's in Buckingham⯑ſhire [15]—I am ſure you will do—I'll ſet you down for it — Your Name?

Margery Moorpout, an ye pleaſe.

How do you ſpell it?

Nay, makins, I knaw nought o Speldering—I'ſe nea Schollard

Well, I ſhall write to him this Evening—What Wages do you aſk?

Nay marry, for that Matter, I wad'nt be ower ſtiff about Wage.

then I can venture to aſſure you of it—You muſt give me half a Crown, my pretty Maid—Our Fee is only a Shilling for a common Place; but for a Houſe⯑keeper's we have always half a Crown.

There's twea Shilling, an yan—twea—three— four—fave—ſix pen'north o Braſs, with a thouſand Thanks —God's Prayer light o you! for I'ſe ſeer ye'rt'beſt Friend, I have met wi ſine I come frae canny Yatton: that you are—When ſhall I coll again, Sur?

About the Middle of the next Week.

Sur, an ye pleaſe, gud Mworning to you.

Good Morning to you, dear, vartuous Mrs. Margery Moorpout — So this is a Specimen of Yorkſhire Simplicity; that it is—More Cuſtomers!

My dear Honey, I am com'd to ſhee, if you have Commiferaſhon enough in your Bowelſh to a poor Iriſhman, to get him a Plaiſh.

What ſort of a Place are you fit for?

Upon my Shalwaſhon, Joy, d'ye ſee, I am fit for any Plaiſh alive! I have Strength and Boneſh enough in this Carcaſh of mine, to do all the Work in the World.

Have you ever been in Service?

In Sherviſh! No to be ſure I have not—Yes, by St. Patrick, ever ſince after I was ſo big as a Potatoe!

With whom did you laſt live?

With Squire Maclellan of Killybegs.

Killybegs! Where the Duce is that?

Why where the Devil ſhould it be but in Ireland, my dear Honey?

But what Part of Ireland?—What Province?— What County?

It is in the Provinſh of Donegal, in the County of Ulſter. It is an Inland Seaport Town, where they catch the beſt pickled Herrings in all England—By my ſet! he was the beſt Man of a Maiſhter between Derry and Youghal — Arra! I ſhall never live ſo well with nobody elſe, unleſs I go back to live with him again!

As he was ſo good a Maſter, how came you to leave him?

Leave him, Joy! Becaſe he wanted to make a Bug and a Fool of me. When I went to go to Plough and Harrow, he would inſiſt on yoking the dear Creatures the Muleſh by the Necks, inſtead of the Tailſh.

The Tails! Why, is that the Iriſh Cuſtom in Ploughing?

Ay, upon my Conſcience, it is, Joy! and the beſt Cuſhtom, that ever was born in the World — I'll give you a Reaſon for it, Honey — You know when the Traſhes is ſaſten'd to the Tail, all the reſt of the Body is free; and when all the Carcaſh but the Tail goes along, the Tail muſt ſhertainly follow it—Beſides, Honey, all the World knows the Strength of every human Creature lies in the Tail—Arra! He wanted to bodder me with his dam Engliſh Tricks, but the Devil burn me, if honeſt Paddy would not have left twenty Plaiſhes, if he had been in them all at once, ſooner than be put out of the Way of his Country!

You were certainly in the Right! I commend your Spirit—But pray how have you liv'd ſince you came to London?

Liv'd, Honey! As a great many lives in London; no body knows how—by my Shoul! I have only picked up five Thirteens for theſe four Weeks and a half!

A ſpecial raw-bon'd Fellow this! He will do for America—I muſt ſend Word to my nephew Trappum— Would you like to go abroad, Friend?

Ay, my dear Honey; any way in England, or in Scotland; but I would not like, d'ye ſee, to live out of my native Kingdom.

Oh! It's only a very ſhort Voyage! A little round the Land's-End—A Gentleman hath taken a very conſiderable Farm in the Weſt, and if I could prevail [17]on him to hire you, you would have the ſole management of it—'Twould be the making of you—You can write, I ſuppoſe?

Yes, upon my Conſcience, that I can very well!—My Mark, Honey; that's all—But that's Nothing, my dear; I could get any Body to write for me, if they did but know how.

That's true—Well, I ſhall ſee the Gentleman this Evening, and have a little cloſe Talk with him about you.

Upon my Shoul, the moſt ſhivileſt Perſon, dye ſee, that ever I met with ſince I was an Iriſhman!

Where do you lodge, Friend?

At the Harp and Spinning-Wheel in Farthing-Fields; Wapping; in a Room of my own, that I hire at Nine-pence a Week.

Your Name?

Patrick O Carrol.

O Carrol! Give me your Hand—we muſt be Couſins—my great Grand-Mother was an O Carrol

Was ſhe by St. Patrick? Then we muſt be Cuſhins ſure enough!—Where was ſhe born?

At what do you call the Place where Squire O Carrol lives?

What Provoſt O Carrol?

Ay, the Provoſt.

Oh! You're a ſoft Lad! you don't know it was Ballyſhanny?

Right! That is the very Place!—Well, Couſin, I ſhould like to be better acquainted with you.

And ſo ſhould poor Paddy, by my ſet—You cannot conceive how my heart dances in the inſide of my Bowelſh, to ſee a Relaſhon in this Part of the World, where I expected to ſee no body at all; — do, Honey, put your Head here to feel — fet, Joy, it beats, and beats, and beats, and jumps about in my Belly like a bruſtled Pea upon a red hot Fire-Shovel — Arra! I knew you to be better half an Iriſhman, by your Shivility to Strangers!

Ay, I wiſh I were wholly ſo! but it was my Miſ⯑fortune to be born in England.

Upon my Conſcience, that was almoſt poor Paddy's Misfortune too! I was begot in England, but as good Luck would have it, I went over to Ireland to be born.

Well, Couſin, if you will call on me To-mor⯑row-Morning, I hope I ſhall be able to give you Joy of your Place.

I ſhall, my dear Cuſhin — Arra! Now if I was but my Father, who has been dead theſe ſeven Years, I ſhould be for making Song upon you for this Shivility.

Your Father! What was he?

A true Iriſh Poet, my dear; he could neither read nor write—By my ſet, Honey, he wrote many an excellent new Song—I have one of his uppn Moggy Maclachlan, a young Virgin in Sligo, who he fell in Love with, after ſhe had two Love-Begots at one Time to Squire Concannen.

I ſhould be glad to ſee it, if you have it on you.

O yes, my dear Creature! I always carry it upon me—It is in my Head, Honey: You ſhall ſee it in a Mi⯑nute, if you will give me leave to ſing it.

With all my Heart, Couſin.

The Devil burn me now, Honey, if I can think of the right Tune, becaſe it never had any Tune at all!—However it will go to Larry Grogan.

By all Means let's have it.

I thank you very kindly; it is a moſt admirable Song—Well, you will be here at nine to-morrow?

You may be certain of my coming, my dear Couſin.

But hark you — Be ſure not to mention a Word of this Affair to any Perſon whatever—I would not have it get Wind, leſt any Body elſe ſhould be applying to the Gentleman.

Oh! let Paddy alone for that, my dear Crea⯑ture! I am too cunning to mention it to nobody, but my nown Shelf—Well, your Servant, my dear Couſin.

Your Servant, your Servant—We muſt have this Fellow indented as ſoon as poſſible—He will fetch a rare Price in the Plantations—Odſo! here comes one of my beſt Cuſtomers.

Your Ladyſhip's moſt obedient.

Mr. Gulwell, your Servant—I call'd to ſee if you have never a handſome well-bred young Fellow on your Books. Maſter Richard, whom you lately recom⯑mended to me, grew ſo intolerably vain, and ſo ſwelled with his own Importance, that I was laſt Night obliged to ſend him a packing—Would you think it, Mr. Gulwell— the Creature had even the Impudence to—

Bleſs me, Madam! Not offer any Rudeneſs to Lady Wrinkle, I hope! A Lady of her Prudence! her Virtue! her Character!

The moſt conſummate Rudeneſs in the World!—As I hope to be ſav'd, Mr. Gulwell, the Mon⯑ſter had the Audacity, the immoderate Audacity, to make Love to me—ay, and in an honourable Way, I aſſure you!

Make Love to your Ladyſhip, I am aſtoniſhed at the Raſcal's Impudence?

I am ſo naturally good-natur'd, that I could almoſt have forgiven any other Rudeneſs; but this was ſo exceſſively impudent, ſo immenſely provoking, that I could almonſt run mad to think on't.

And ſo could I too, I aſſure your Ladyſhip.

Becauſe I ſhew'd him ſome ſlight Civilities— for, excuſing this Fault, he was really a pretty agrecable Fellow—he had the Aſſurance to uſe me in this auda⯑cious Manner—Oh! Mr. Gulwell! there was no bear⯑ing ſuch Inſolence! I muſt have been as inſenſible as an Idiot to put up with ſuch aſtoniſhing ill Uſage — But I muſt be on the Wing—I have three and twenty Viſits this Morning — Well, you will be upon the Lookout for me—I would have him well-built—Nothing, at leaſt very little leſs than ſix Foot—None of your ſnipper-ſnapper, whey-fac'd Jacks, but as proper a Man, as one would wiſh to ſee at a Review of the Guards—Nothing adds more to the Dignity of an Equipage, than the Size and Statelineſs of one's Domeſtics.

What Countryman would your Ladyſhip have him?

Why, if he be but a proper, ſtately, active Perſon, it is no great Matter for his Country — Suppoſe he were a Swiſs—they are a hale, robuſt Nation — but I ſhould like him the better for being an Iriſhman — The Iriſh in general are a very obliging People.

I have one in my Eye that anſwers your Lady⯑ſhip's Deſcription to a Hair: he was with me the other Day about purchaſing a Place in the Guards—let me ſee—ay! here he is!—Arthur Mackilwayne—he's a [21]Strapper i'ſaith, and a Man of very good, but decay'd Family!

Family, Mr. Gulwell! — Surely the Man's turn'd in his Head!—Don't you know, Sir, that we Quality always make it a Point never to admit into our Services any Creature that has the leaſt Pretence to Birth?—With the Muſhroom Part of Mankind we can do as we pleaſe; treat them with all the Contempt, State, Inſolence, and Superiority, which characterize the Wo⯑man of Quality; but if we behave in a like Manner to the Gentleman, he gives himſelf a great many imperti⯑nent Airs on his Birth—Why it was but laſt Week that Lady Stilts reprimanded her Footman, when the Raſcal had the Impudence to tell her, he was of a better Family than herſelf; For his Grandfather was an Attorney, and her Ladyſhip's but a Bum-Bailiff—No, no, Mr. Gulwell; there is no enduring the Inſolence of a decay'd Gentleman!

I aſk your Ladyſhip's Pardon—I was not aware of this Objection.

Well, if any Thing happen in a Day or two, you will remember me—If you don't hear of one in that Time, I would have you advertiſe—Your laſt Advertiſe⯑ment if you have a Copy of it, with a little Alteration, will do again—It was an extreme good one, but border'd rather too much on the double Entendre—Lady Dy Spritely was very funny on reading it—I would not for the Univerſe ſhe had known that it was written upon my Account—You wicked Creature! how could you uſe me in ſuch a Manner?—I proteſt I was horridly angry at you for't—You know I abominate every Thing that has the leaſt Appearance of Indelicacy— Well, you will take Care to advertiſe: for it will poſi⯑tively be of great Inconvenience to my Family Affairs, to have Richard's Place unſupplied—Mr. Gulwell, your Servant.

Your Ladyſhip's moſt devoted—Of great In⯑convenience to my Family Affairs to have Richard's Place unſupplied!—In Faith I believe her Ladyſhip!—So Dick is unſhipp'd, and the Bond not worth a Farthing!—I have loſt the five hundred Pounds, as clean as a Whiſtle!—He gave me ſuch Aſſurances of her [22]Ladyſhip's Regard, that I thought the Money as ſafe, as if I had it in my Pocket—Who's here?—one of my party-colour'd Cuſtomers! — Oh! 'tis Lady Vixen's Livery!

Sir, my Lady Vixen deſires to ſpeak with you, at Mr. Bombazine's, the Silk-Mercer's over the Way.

Mr. Williams, give an Eye to the Office—I ſhall be back in a few Minutes.

ACT II. Scene continues.

'Tis lucky that your Maſter was ſent for, or we ſhould have been terribly puzzled in getting Frankly out of the Houſe.

'Twas fortunate indeed!

What an infamous Raſcal he is! Such a Villain is enough to bring an Odium on the whole Fraternity of Office-Keepers—I hope they are not all like this Maſter of your's, Mr. Williams?

No, they are not!—There are Perſons, in this Way of Life, of as ſtrict Honour and Integrity, as in any Profeſſion whatever.

A Regiſter-Office, under the Managment of an honeſt Man, muſt certainly be very ſerviceable to the Publick?

Undoubtedly, Mr. Harwood—but the old Gentle⯑man is croſſing the Street—To your Poſt, Sir.

Her Ladyſhip hath releas'd me ſooner than I ex⯑pected—go, get the Inſtrument finiſh'd, Mr. Williams.—

[writing] A Comb-bruſh for Lady Vixen!—this I believe will be the one and twentieth, ſhe hath had from my [23]Office within theſe two Years—a ſpecial Cuſtomer i'faith!—Heyday! who have we here? A ſpruce Coxcomb of the Military Caſt!

Sir, your moſt obedient—Pray an't you Mr. Geofry Gullwell, Eſquire?

The ſame, Sir.

Then I am come to have a little Talk with you.

Your Buſineſs, good Sir?

You muſt know, Sir, I am an Enſign, in a new-rais'd Ridgmen, to which Poſt I was advance through the Intereſt of my very Good Friend and Acquaintance, Lord Pliant, whom I had the Honour to ſerve many Years in the Capacity of a Valet de Chambre — But, Sir, tho' formerly a Servant, I am a Gentleman born, and have had the Honour of a Univerſity Iddication.

Sir, I make no Diſpute of it: you have the Ap⯑pearance of a Man of Conſequence—May I crave your Name and Family?

My Name, Sir, is Le Bruſh—I am commonly called Bruſh; but le Bruſh is the Name my Family was ariginally, nay even ſo lately as Harry the Eight, known by: a Name, Sir, given by Way of Diſtinction to one of my Auntſiſters, that was General under All-afraid the Great, for ſo victoriouſly ſweeping away hole Armies of the Enemy—Our Family had all their Eſtate conſiſti⯑cated in the Broils between the Yorkſhire and Lancaſhire Line, ſo that their Predeceſſors have been a little out of Repair to the preſent Time, and the Name regenerated into plain Bruſh.

Sir, as your Family hath been ſo long reduced, how came you by the Education you talk of?

Sir, I was taught to read and write free-gratis for nothing at a Charity School, and attended Lord Pli⯑ant to the Univerſity, where you know there is many Opportunities for a Man of Talons to improve himſelf.

Right, Sir, ſuch Opportunities, that I have fre⯑quently known a Valet return from thence full as wiſe as his Maſter.

Egad, Sir, I ſee very plainly you're a Gentle⯑man, that knows what's what.

And pray, Captain, what were your favourite Studies at College?

Logic and Poetry, the only two Studies ſit for a Gentleman; as the firſt will teach you to cheat the De⯑vil, and the laſt to charm the Ladies.

I ſhould be glad to have a little Conference with you on the latter, for I am a bit of a Dabler in it.

Then ſerouſly as a Friend, I would diſſuade you to look out damn'd ſharp, or upon my Soul you'll catch a Tartar! For I have not met with any Body, that was fit to hold the Candle to me in Poetry, for a long Serus of Time—But, Sir, as I am in haſte, we had better refer the Diſpute at proſent—any other Time I am at your Service for a [...]—I ſhall run thro' my Buſineſs with as brief Prolixity as poſſible—At a Country Town, where I was Recruiting, I had the good Fortune to pick up a maiden Lady, pretty well ſtricken in Years, with a Fortune of three thouſand Pounds in the Stocks. Now, Sir, as the Intereſt of the Money, and my preſent Pay will ſcarce be ſufficient to maintain me — for you know, Sir, a Soldier and a Gentleman is anonymous Characters, and a Man in my Office muſt live up to his Dignity—I ſay, Sir, as the Intereſt of Mo⯑ney is damn'd low, I have a Deſire to purchaſe a Cornecy or a Company of Foot, that I may be better able to live like a Gentleman.

Poſts of this kind frequently fall under my Diſ⯑poſal. I think it a prudent and honourable Intention in you; as, in caſe of Mortality, the Proviſion for your Lady will be larger.

Pho! Dam the old Hag! I don't care if the Devil had her: I have been married above two Months, and was as tired of her in the firſt Fortnight, as a mo⯑dern Man of Quality after a Twelve-month's Cohabita⯑tion I have, for theſe five Weeks paſt, done every thing in my Power to break her Heart; but egad it is made of ſuch tough Stuff, ſuch penctrable Stuff, as my Friend Shakeſpear calls it, that I believe I ſhan't be able to defect the Buſineſs, damme!—In ſhort, my Diſappointment hath thrown me into ſuch a helliſh Deel ha me, that the Devil fetch me if I know, for the Blood and Soul of me, how [25]to execrate myſelf out of it! For I want to be rid of her moſt curſedly that's certain.

There are Ways—many Ways, Captain, by which ſuch a Buſineſs may be brought about.

True, Sir My Serjeant Tom Spaterdaſh, who is a damn'd cute Dog, as any in the Coppercan Syſtem — You don't know Tom? do you, Sir?

I can't ſay I have the Honour of his Acquain⯑tance.

Oh! the moſt archeſt, comicaleſt Son of a Whore in the whole Univerſe egad! — As I was a ſaying, Tom offered me for ten Pieces to give her a Doſe; but no, no; damme thinks I to myſelf, I'll not poiſon the old Beldam neither! It will be the more faſhionable Way to break her Heart.

Sir, as you are a Gentleman, I would beg leave to aſk why you are ſo deſirous of parting with a Woman, who hath been ſo great a Benefactreſs to you — I ſhould be afraid your Patron and his Lady would reſent ſuch Behaviour—Will you be kind enough to anſwer my Queſtion with Truth?

Truth, Sir, is to be ſure a moſt amable Thing, and what every Gentleman ought to make Uſe of. As Mr. — what's his Name? — One of the old Roman Philoſophers there—Pythogorus, I believe — Ay Squire Pythogorus it was—uſed to ſay, Sockratas is my Friend, Pluto is my Friend, but Truth is more my Friend. So ſay I, Lord Pliant is my Friend, Lady Pliant is my Friend, but Truth is more my Friend — And tho' ſome Perſons will affirm that Truth ought not to be ſpoken at all Times; yet no Philoſopher, not no body elſe, would ever venture to affirm, but that Truth ought to be ſpoken at ſometimes—which being granted—I ſay, Sir, which being granted, it muſt follow—neceſſarily fol⯑low. Sir, — that tho' Truth ought not to be ſpoken at all Times, Occaſions, and Seaſons; yet ſeaſonable Truths may be occaſionally ſpoken at all Times—But this, Sir, is the very Profundity of Logic, and conſequently out of the Reach of every Capacity, wherefore I ſhall deſcend into the Spear of common Senſe to be the better under⯑ſtood.

Sir, I muſt acknowledge that your Arguments are very Sublime and Logical; but yet they are no An⯑ſwer to my Queſtion—Perhaps I have been too rude to preſs you on the Occaſion — there may be ſome Lady in the Caſe, who—

Egad! Sir, you're in the Right! I had not been Married above ten Days; till I fell moſt conſumedly in Love with a Niece of my Wiſe's, a Girl of Fifteen with a damn'd large Fortune—a moſt exquiſite Creature upon my Soul!—In ſhort, She is all the hole Tote of my Deſires—As that there black Fellar in the Play—Othello Moor I think they call him — ſays, Perdition catch my Soul but I do Love her: and when I Love her not Chaos is come again!"

Pray, Captain, who is that Chaos?

Chaos! Lard bleſs you!—You pertend you don't know! A Man of your Years and Underſtanding too! Fie! Fie! Mr. Gulwell! None of your Tricks upon Travellers!

Sir, I ſeldom aſk the Meaning of a Word I un⯑derſtand.

Then you muſt know Chaos is a—my dear, it is a—a—a— zounds I What ſhall I ſay?—The Devil Cha⯑os him—It is a—I can't find Words to expreſs myſelf properly—It is a—as it were a—as one may ſay a—Chaos. I can't divine it otherwiſe for the Blood and Soul of me!

You have not divin'd it at all; at leaſt not to my Satisfaction—I ſuppoſe by the Connexion it ſignifies Diſ⯑like?

Right Sir, it is a—a—kind of Diſlike, but not, as one may ſay, a—a—an abſolute Diſlike—But, Sir, to proceed in my Story—If I could but break my Wife's Heart, I ſhould aſſuredly marry my Niece in leſs than a Month after her Deceaſe — A ſeprate Maintainance won't do, or Mrs Le Bruſh ſhould have it with all my Soul but if we part, you know all Hopes of breaking her Heart are over—She hath offered to ſeprate, if I would give her two hundred Pounds in ready Rhino, and al⯑low her for Life an annual Proviſion of fifty Pounds per Annum every Year —.

Which you have refuſed, I ſuppoſe?

Refuſed! Moſt certainly, Sir: I was almoſt pu⯑trified with Aſtoniſhment at the agregious Impudence of her Demand—I ſhall not conſent to allow here a Shilling more as Fifteen a Year—She may live very comfortably; very comfortably on it in the North.

Truly, Sir, I think fifteen Pounds a Year a very genteel Allowance; eſpecially as ſhe brought you ſo ſmall a Trifle as Three Thouſand.

I think ſo too egad! But theſe old Devils have no Conſcience at all damme! — Well, Sir, you'll give me an Anſwer as ſoon as poſſible—You may hear of me at Mrs. Dreſden's, a Milliner under the Peeaches, in Com⯑mon-Garden.

(writing) Very well, Sir—I'll talk with a Prin⯑cipal about your Affair this Evening.

There Sir—[gives him Money] You'll take Care to beat him down as low as poſſible?

You may depend on my beſt Endeavours, moſt noble Captain.

Scoundrel I ſhould have ſaid — Why this Fellow's a greater Raſcal than myſelf—But what can be expected from a Coxcomb of his Stamp?—More Company!— In a Chair too! — I fancy this muſt be my dear Siſter in Wickedneſs.

Dear Mrs. Snarewell, your moſt obedient—Let me hand you to a Seat, Madam.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Touch me gently, Mr. Gul⯑well.

I am glad to ſee you Abroad again. (kiſſes her) I hear you have had a very bad Night.

Oh! The moſt ſhocking one, that can be ima⯑gined! The Chelic, and my old curſed Diſtemper the Rheumatiſe, have plagued me to ſo violent a Degree, that I could not poſſibly attend your Office in Time—Such Twitchings! Such Tortures!—I never expected to live 'till Morning, I aſſure you — Poor Mr Watchlight, the Tallow Chandler, was called twice out of Bed to com⯑fort me—The dear Man was ſo ſervent in his Prayers, and ſo earneſt in his Ejaculations, that I received great Comfort and Conſolation—I was ſo Eaſy, ſo Compoſed, ſo Reſigned after I had made my Peace, that I could [28]have parted with Life with as little Uneaſineſs, as a young Wife of Quality with her Deary of Threeſcore—Oh! he's a moſt Heavenly Creature!—He ſaid ſuch com⯑fortable moving Things!—But what Succeſs had the Advertiſement?

Beyond Expectation! I had above fifty Damſels with me—You might have cull'd half a Dozen at leaſt, that would have anſwer'd to a T: ſuch freſh blooming Creatures!

The Devil's in my Luck to be ſure!—Ay! Ay! he owes me a Grudge for turning Methodiſt — I have been curſing my Fortune in Bed theſe three Hours—ſo violently pain'd, ſo tortur'd, that I could not riſe tho' my Life had depended on it — I am certainly the moſt un⯑fortunate Woman alive! The Reputation of my Houſe will be utterly blaſted for want of freſh Faces!— O this curſed Rheumatiſe! that it ſhould ſeize me at ſuch a Juncture!—I could cry my Eyes out to think on't!

Dear Madam, be comforted, I ſhall have many of them applying To-morrow to know their Succeſs.

To-morrow! But that won't anſwer my Pur⯑poſe: I have promiſed a Virgin to Mr. Zorobabel Habak⯑kuk to Night.

You muſt palm ſome of your freſheſt Commodi⯑ties on him for one.

Palm ſome of your freſheſt Commodities, quotha! Mr. Gulwell you are vaſtly miſtaken in your Man!— He is too knowing in theſe Matters to be impoſed on in any ſuch Manner — It would be as difficult to deceive my little Iſraelite in that Point, as a Jury of Matrons — Be⯑ſides, he pays the Price of Virginity; and I aſſure you I am a Perſon of more Honour and Conſcience, than even to endeavour to fob him off with a Counterfeit — Con⯑ſcience ſhould be uſed in all our Dealings — I have too ſtrong a Senſe of Religion to be guilty of ſuch a heinous Impoſture—No, no, Mr. Gulwell! if we expect to be Happy hereafter, we muſt endeavour to do as we would be done by—Is there never a likely Girl you expect at the Office to Day?

None that I know of — But pray how ſtands the Account for the Iriſh Lady, you had the laſt Week?

Why, Sir, I could not ſqueeze a Penny more than ten Guineas from the old cloſe liſted Scrivener, ſo that I owe you Five — Upon my Soul, Mr. Gulwell, you muſt abate of your Demands for the future! The Expences of a Bagnio run ſo high, that I cannot afford you an equal Moiety of my Procuration — There's Rent, Taxes, Seſſes, Repairs, Fire, Candle, Linen, Waſhing, Cloaths, Connivance-Money, and a thouſand other ex⯑penſive Articles — I can give you no more than a fourth Part: I can afford you no more, as I hope to be ſav'd!

Madam, I can do Buſineſs, on my preſent Terms, with any of the Procureſſes in Town.

Ah! you're a covetous Curmudgeon! but there is no quarrelling with you Well, I muſt be go⯑ing! I have promiſed Mr. Watchlight to be at the Ta⯑bernacle, to return Thanks for my Recovery—He will preach a Thankſgiving Sermon, and Sing an occaſional Hymn of his own compoſing after the Diſcourſe — Here it is! I have been humming it over in the Chair—O they are ſweet Words! divine Words! comfortable Words, Mr. Gulwell! — You ſhall hear two or three Lines.

With all my Heart, Madam.

Let me ſee where ſhall I begin!—Oh here!

But you ſhall have it ſome other Time: I will get Mr. Watchlight to write you out a Copy—Oh! he's a good Creature, Mr. Gulwell—I muſt have been in a State of utter Darkneſs but for him—I can never be out of his Debt for the great Work of my Reformation—It is true I have left him, in token of my Gratitude, all my worldly Subſtance, except Rings and Mourning to you and a few Friends — Dear Man! He hath promiſed to lay it out, even to the uttermoſt Farthing, in building a new Tabernacle.

I hope, Madam, you have not diſinherited your two Daughters?

Why I had ſome Scruples on that Head, but Mr. Watchlight remov'd them — He told me, as they were Illegitimate, it would be a great Slur and Reproach to my Reputation, if I named them in my Will: and you know one would wiſh to die with a good Name—Beſides, he convinced me of the exceeding great Sinfulneſs of leaving any Thing to Baſtards, as it was a direct Countenance and Encouragement to the Cauſe of Lewdneſs and Debauchery — He aſſured me that many good Men, in all Ages, had diſinherited even their lawful Children, for the charitable Work of build⯑ing Hoſpitals and Alms Houſes—and if there be ſuch Me⯑rit in building an Hoſpital, what muſt there be in erecting a Tabernacle?

Here's Religion with a Vengeance!

Beſides, my Daughters are both very happily provided for. Sukey is in keeping with a rich Jew, and Lucy with a grave Merchant in the City—Poor Girls! They have no Occaſion for any Aſſiſtance from me— No, no; Mr. Watchlight hath perfectly ſatisfied me of the Lawfulneſs of Diſinheriting them—Oh! he's a good Creature, Mr. Gulwell!—I ſhould have been Loſt! utterly Loſt! irrecoverably Loſt! if he had not been luckily made the Means and Inſtrument of my happy Change — Well, I ſhall be with you in the Morning to take a Survey; in the mean Time if you meet with any delicate young Thing, be ſure to give me Notice — Oh! Oh! Oh!

Pray what's the Matter, Madam?

A Return of my late Diſorder — Have you no Holland's Gin in your Scrutore?

Yes, I have always a Bottle for the Service of the Ladies.

Hold! hold! hold! I would not have above a Thimbleful — Mercy on me! You ſurely think I have the Brain of a Country Juſtice, to bear ſuch a Glaſs in a Morning!

I deſign this Glaſs for myſelf—To your better Health, Mrs. Snarewell.

Thank you, dear Sir—But I am perſuaded I cannot live long—You had better give me the Bottle: my Hand ſhakes ſo violently, that I am afraid of ſpil⯑ling, if I drink out of the Glaſs—It would be a Pity to waſte the good Creature. — Come, Sir, Succeſs to all our Undertakings.

I thank you, Madam—So! the Thimbleful will be half a Pint at leaſt!

Yes, Mr. Gulwell, as I was ſaying I am per⯑ſuaded I cannot live long—I feel the Decays of Nature in me very ſenſibly! I am waſting and waſting every Day—I muſt entirely give over my wicked Life, and wholly apply myſelf to the Care of my precious and immortal Soul—I am grown ſo Feeble and Infirm, that I am almoſt unfit for this World—Oh! Oh! Oh! — there's another envious Twitch—Pray hand me the Bottle —I muſt have t'other Thimbleful—Thank you, Mr. Gulwell—Chairman!

Carry me to the Tabernacle—Dear Sir, your Servant.

Madam, I wiſh you a good Day.

O Lard! I have forgot my Hymn—There it is upon the Table — Hand it me, dear Sir—(looks on the Paper) Ay! 'tis right enough—Go on, Chairmen—Mr. Gulwell—Mr. Gulwell!—Have you no Ears, you damn'd Raſcals?—Hark you, Sir — If any Thing offer in half an Hour or ſo, ſend me Word to the Tabernacle.

I ſhall, Madam. (Mrs Snarewell is carried off ſinging ‘When as a Sinner groaning ſore.’ Let me ſee—Mrs. Martin's fair Lodger was to call to Day—I muſt not let Mother Snarewell ſee her—I'll mar⯑ket for her on my own Bottom—If the don't turn Reſtive on my Hands, I ſhall make a pretty Penny of her—More Cuſtomers!

Well, Sir, your Buſineſs with me?

Gin ye be the Maiſter o' this Office, my Buzzineſs wi' ye is to ſpear at ye, gif ye can be o' ony Ser⯑vice till a peur diſtreſſit Gentleman?

Sir, I ſhould be glad to do a Gentleman in Diſtreſs any Service in my Power; eſpecially one of your Coun⯑try. [32]I have a Veneration for the very Name of a Scotch⯑man—My Father was one.

Troth, ye ſpeak verra meikle like a Gentleman, and ſeem to hae a proper Senſe o' National Honour A'm glad that A've been ſae [...]on [...]y, as to fa' into ſic Hands— Ye maun ken that my Family is as auncient as ony i' a' Scotland; and that by diract lineal Deſhent, I ſprang frae the great Jamy Macintoſh, who was a Preevy-Counſellor to King Sandy the Second.

A very conſiderable Origin indeed! — But pray, Sir, what may have been the Cauſe of your preſent Diſtreſs?

I'ſe tell ye the hale Mater — When I was a Cal⯑lant, I was ſae dyl'd as to get the ill Wull o' a' my Kin, by the Diſgrace I had brought upo' the Macintoſhes, by pitting myſel Prentice till a cankert auld Carle o' a Sword-Slipper in Aberdeen, whaſe bonny Daughter I was ſae unſonſy as to click a Fancy to.

Well, Sir—

When I was out o' my Prenticeſhip, I wanted Gear to begin the World wi': I ax'd a' my Friends, but they girnit at me like the Vengeance — ‘Hald ye there, Lad,’ quo they: ‘Ye maun e'en pickle i' your ain poke-nuke!—As ye bak'd, ye may brew’ — And the Deel o' owther Gowd or Siller; nae no ſae meikle as a Plack, or a Bawbie wald they gie me, unleſs I wald betak my⯑ſel to ſome mare Gentleman-like Occupation—Weel, Sir, I was forcit to wale a new Buzzineſs—They game Graith enough to buy a Pack, an I turn'd travelling Merchant, whilk the Engliſh, by way o' Deriſion, ca' a Pether, that I might nae langer be a Diſgrace to my Kin.

Why this was a Way to retrieve the Diſgrace of the Macintoſhes indeed!

Right, Sir, verra Right a-truly!—But wi' your Permiſſion, I'ſe ſpeed me to the tragical Part o' my Story—As I was ganging my gate towards Portſmouth, I was attackit by twa Rubbers, wha gar'd me ſtrip frae the muckle Coat o' my Back to my verra Sark; an rub⯑bit me o' a', ay an mare nor a' I could ca' my ain — An no content wi' taking my Gudes, they ruggit my Hair, they pou'd me by the Lugs; they briſſit and ſkelpit me to ſic a Gree, that the gore Blude rin into my Breeks, [33]an my Skin was amaiſt as black as Pik — Nay when I greand i' meikle Dool an Agonie, the Fallows leugh at my pitifu Mains, caw'd me an illfar'd ſcabbit Tyke, and bad me be gane into my ain croudy Country to ſell Butter an Bruntſtane.

The barbarous Villains! Not only to rob and a⯑buſe you, but to inſult your Country!

I wat, it was a downright National Reflection! An A'm ſic a Loo'er o' my Country, that it hurt me mare, nor a' the Whacks they ga' me, an the Tyne o' my Pack into the Bargain—Weel, Sir, A'm now brought to the maiſt ruefu' Plight, that ever peur Fallow was in; for I canna get Claiths to my Back, or Veetles to my Wame — A'm ſae blate that I maun ſtarve to Deid, or I can ax Chary; abeit A'm ſae hungery, that I could make a braw Meal upo' a whin ſour Kail, an a Haggiſe, tane aff a Midding; gif it e'en ſtank like a Brock.

Poor Gentleman! I pity your Condition with all my Heart.

As I trudge alang the Wynds, I can hear the cawler Waiter, I drink at the Pant gang jaup, jaup, jaup, i' my empty Kyte—Excep a Bicker o' gud fat Broſe, an a Lunch o' ſalt Beef, whilk I gat laſt Sabbath-Day aboard o' a wi [...] Scotch Barkie, I ha no had my peur Wame weel-ſleght this twa Owks an aboon: an Hunger ye ken is unco ſair to bide.

It is ſo indeed.

Now gin ye can pit me intil any tolerable Way o' gitting my Bread, I ſal rackon it a verra great Kyndneſs.

For what Station in Life do you think yourſelf fitteſt?

For ony Station, where Learning is neceſſary—I care na a pickle o' Sneeſhing what it be—Ye may ken by my Elocution, A'm a Man o' nae ſma' Lair—I was ſae weel-leer'd that ilka auld Wife in Aberdeen wald turn up the Whites o' her Een, like a Maſs John at Kirk, an cry, ‘God guide us! what a pawky Chiel is Donald! He's ſae ald-gabbit that A ſpeaks like a Print Buke!’ — I could like verra weel to be Latin Secretary till a Miniſter o'State, and can ſay without Vanity, A'm as ſit for ſic an Office, as ony Man i' the Britiſh Dominions.

Then you underſtand Latin?

Latin! Hout awa, Man! hout awa, ye daft Gowk! Do ye jeer abody'—a Scotchman, an no unner⯑ſtan Latin? ha! ha! ha! A verra gud Joke a-truly! — Unnerſtan Latin, quo' he!—Why we ſpeak it better, nor ony o' his Majeſty's Subjects, an wi the genuine original Pronunciation too—I'ſe gie ye a Specimen frae that wutty Chiel Maiſter Ovid.

Now ken ye, Man, whether I unnerſtan Latin, or no?

Oh! Sir, I ſee you are a complete Latiniſt — Well, if we can't fall in for the Secretary, ſuppoſe you ſhould take up with tranſlating a while 'till ſomething bet⯑ter offer?—there are pretty Pickings, very comfortable Pickings now and then to be had in that Way.

Ony Thing at preſent to ſatisfy the Cravings o' my Wame, that is no an-under the Dignity o' my Family —Ye ken the auld Saw, Beggars munna be Chuſers— for that Mater I'ſe no repine, gif I can but e'en git Ban⯑nocks, an Sneeſhing till ſomething better fa' out.

Give me your Name, and Place of Abode, and you may expect to hear from me very ſhortly.

Donald Macintoſh, Gentleman; at Maiſter Archibald Buchanan's, a Tobacco-Merchant, at the Sign of the Highlander an Snuff-Bledder, ower anenſt King James's Stairs, Shadwell. [Gulwell writes] What's your Charge, Sir?

Only a Shilling, Sir—'tis a Perquiſite to my Clerk.

There it's for ye, Sir—[gives him Money.] I was ſain to borrow'to' Sandy Ferguſon, the Coal-Heaver, for the Deel a Bodle had I o' my ain.

Have you got any Body to give you a Character?

In troth, I canna ſay I ha' e'en now!—I ken nae living Sawl in London, but Sandy an my Landlord, that I could ax ſic a Favour o'; an ablins their Karecter o' me would no be thought ſufficient.

Nay, Sir, it is no very great Matter—it would have ſav'd you a Trifle; for when we make Characters we muſt be paid for them — We have Characters, [35]as Jockies have Pedigrees, from five Shillings to five Guineas.

Weel, Sir, we may tauk o' that anither Time — gin ye ſucceed, ye'se find me no ungrateſu'—Ye ſal ſee I hae no ſae meikle o' the fauſe Engliſhman, i' me, as to be forgetfu' o' my Benefactors—A'm afeard A've been verra faſheous; howe'er I'ſe faſh ye nae langer, but gaung my Waus Hame—Sir, your verra abliged Servant—In gud troth, this is a Rara avis in terris, nigroque ſimillima cygno.

Your moſt obedient, good Mr. Latin. Secretary—There goes one of the many Fools, that owe their Ruin to Family Pride—Oh! here comes one of my Right Honourable Cuſtomers!

My Lord, your Lordſhip's moſt devoted.

Mr. Gulwell, I am moſt immenſely glad to ſee you! I am come to know if you can recommend to me a Houſekeeper—Lady Brilliant, who by the by is the moſt whimſical Perſon alive, hath inſiſted on the Diſcharge of Mrs. Candy; and unleſs I conſent, we ſhall have no⯑thing but Hell and the Devil to do about the Affair. This is the Curſe of marrying a Tradeſman's Daughter for the Sake of her Fortune! My Lady is ten Times more haughty and impertinent, than if ſhe had been really born a Woman of Quality — As I hope to be ſav'd, Mr. Gul⯑well, her Temper is paſt enduring!

And how does your Lordſhip intend to diſpoſe of Mrs Candy? — She's a very good Sort of Woman.

Upon my Honour, the moſt virtuous, inoffen⯑ſive, deſerving Creature on the Globe!—I want to con⯑ſult you on this very Affair—You have often the Advow⯑ſons of Livings to diſpoſe of, and if I could make a rea⯑ſonable Purchaſe of one, of about a cool hundred a Year, I would marry her to Mr. Secondly my Chaplain, and take his Bond for the Purchaſe-Money.

My Lord, I have frequently Bargains of this Kind under my Negotiation: I could help you to one about the Mark, but would not adviſe you to it, on ac⯑count of it's extravagant Price. The Impropriator, who by the by is one of the Cloth, hath the Conſcience to ſet it at ten Year's Purchaſe.

An unconſcionable Muckworm!—If any Thing happen in a few Days, you will be kind enough to let me know—I would not have it lie at too great a Diſtance; for Mr. Secondly is a Man, for whom I have ſo particular an Eſteem, that I ſhould like now and then to give him a friendly Call—But we want a Houſekeeper to ſupply Mrs. Candy's Place—Have you never a one to recommend? You know what will pleaſe.

I wiſh your Lordſhip had been ſo fortunate, as to have applied a Day or two ſooner. I have one of the fineſt Women in the World to provide for, but have unluckily promis'd her to an elderly Barriſter of my Ac⯑quaintance.

A Barriſter! Why did not you give me No⯑tice of it ſooner? Upon my Honour I did not think you would have us'd me with ſo little Reſpect!

I ſhould have inform'd your Lordſhip of it ſooner, but the Templar was ſo very genteel on the Occaſion, as to promiſe me an hundred Guineas for my Commiſſi⯑on.

You had no Reaſon to diſpute my Generoſity: if I had thoroughly lik'd her, I ſhould not have minded twice the Sum.

Why, my Lord, the Affair may be yet brought about—I expect her here every Minute—Will your Lordſhip be pleaſed to ſtep into that Room—You may ſee her thro' the Lattice. — You will find Rocheſter's Po⯑ems, and the Memoirs of a Woman of Pleaſure to en⯑tertain you—pleaſe to retire, my Lord: here's Company a coming—

Lucky enough! 'tis the very Woman!—If ſhe be but of the right Sort, I ſhall make a tolerable Penny of her.

Sir, I am come agreeable to Appointment—Have you yet heard of any Thing that will ſuit me?

Madam, I believe I have done your Buſineſs: there is a Peer in the next Room peruſing a Mortgage Deed, who is in immediate Want of a Houſekeeper.

Is the Nobleman married, or ſingle?

Married, Madam; to one of the beſt Women in the World: you will be extremely happy in the Place. [37]Her Ladyſhip is the moſt generous Woman of the Age. Mrs. Candy, the preſent Houſekeeper, hath ſav'd a For⯑tune in the Family, and is going to be married to a Cler⯑gyman of great Character—Shall I call his Lordſhip?

I had rather firſt ſee his Lady?—but do as you pleaſe?

My Lord! My Lord!—

This is the Gentlewoman I told your Lordſhip of.

Madam, your moſt obedient—egad a moſt angelic Creature!—Madam, I was telling Mr. Gulwell—s' Death! what a Face is there!—I ſay, Madam, I was telling Mr. Gulwell that my Houſekeeper is going to be married—Heavens! what a Shape and Mien!—and that we ſhall want one to ſupply her Place—wherefore if you are inclinable—that is, if the Place would ſuit, and you can be well recommended—I ſay, Madam, well re⯑commended—for my Lady will take nobody without a ſufficient Character—therefore, Madam, if—I ſay, Ma⯑dam, if the Place would ſuit, and you can have a fatis⯑factory Recommendation, I ſhould be glad to know your Terms—I was never in ſuch Confuſion in my Life, curſe me!

Here's Company a coming!— Pleaſe to ſtep into the next Room, and you may talk of the Affair with leſs Interruption.

So! ſo! Matters ſeem to go on very promi [...]ingly—My Friend Harry Trickit! what can be his Buſineſs?

Well, Sir, you receiv'd my Letter?

Letter! what Letter?

The Letter I ſent you this Morning.

Not I indeed—pray how did you ſend it?

By a Ticket-Porter, whom I order'd to call in his Way to the Banker's.

The Fellow muſt have forgot it—What are the Contents?—Speak low: there's Company in that Room.

My Niece is going to file a Bill in Chancery againſt me, to ſet aſide her Father's Will. She will be ſupported by a Perſon of Fortune, with whom ſhe now lives—I was told it this Morning by a Friend, who din'd with the Gentleman a few days ago in Somerſetſhire— Now as Mr. Williams is going to leave you, I am afraid [38]he will begin to ſqueak; and then I ſhall not only loſe the Money, but my Life into the Bargain.

Sir, it is not in Williams's Power to do you any Injury in the Affair: he was not privy to the Fraud of your Brother-in-law's ſigning a counterfeit Will, but on⯑ly called haſtily in to witneſs the Signature. The other Evidence is dead, therefore there is no Danger from that Quarter—Don't be afraid, Mr. Tricket; I'll anſwer for the Validity of the Will—I thought you had known the Law better in theſe Caſes, than to be afraid of ſuch a Bug-bear as a Chancery Suit!

You have given me ſome Comfort: I have been very uneaſy about the Affair theſe three Hours.

[within] Help! help! Murder! help!

Ha! my Maria in Danger!

What's the Matter, my Dear?

Good Heaven! Is it you, Mr. Harwood?—I am ſo frighted and out of Breath, that I can ſcarce ſpeak—A noble Villain in the other Room hath attempted my Ruin.

Let me but ſecure the Door, that none of this Neſt of Villains eſcape, and I ſhall puniſh the Right Ho⯑nourable Scoundrel—[locks the Door] there's the Key, Mr. Williams — Frankly and the Officers muſt ſoon be here—Now for his Lordſhip.

My Niece and her Maſter!

The Devil they are!—I don't like the Buſineſs! I wiſh it were well over!

No, I won't kill you cowardly—Now, my Lord, if your Life be worth preſerving a few Minutes, draw.

Sir, This is no proper Place for a Duel.

Not quite ſo proper, as the other Room for your Lordſhip's intended Purpoſe, I muſt own: however it will do—come, my Lord, you muſt fight me, or aſk your Life—You can fight, I am ſure, for I have been a Wit⯑neſs of your Lordſhip's Courage in Flanders—Why don't you draw?—Do the one or the other, or I ſhall diſhonour the Peerage of my Country, by kicking your Lordſhip out of the Room.

Sir, in a bad Cauſe I think it no Diminution of my Honour to own myſelf to blame; in Conſequence of which, I aſk the Lady's Pardon, and wiſh it were in my Power to make her any further Satisfaction for the intended Injury.

This is talking like the Peer and the Gentleman— I'll take you at your Word — I beg your Lordſhip to in⯑form me whether or no you did not lately borrow five thouſand Pounds of Mr. Tricket, who, if I miſtake not, hath the Honour to be your Lordſhip's Steward?

I did, Sir: pray what of that?

My Lord, you will pardon me for with-holding the Reaſon of ſuch Enquiry: at a proper Time I may perhaps inform you—I have a few Queſtions to aſk Mr. Tricket, which are improper for your Lordſhip to hear at preſent, and ſhall take it as a particular Favour, if you will be kind enough to leave us for a few Minutes.

Sir, I ſhall immediately withdraw; and if I can be of any Service to you or the Lady, you may free⯑ly command the Execution of it.

I humbly thank your Lordſhip — Mr. Williams, pleaſe to unlock the Door.

I am ſorry, Mr. Trickit, there ſhould be ſuch a Brace of Raſcals in the World, as you and your Friend there. Mr. Williams hath given me a Letter, directed to his Maſter, which he open'd on a Suppoſition of it's being relative to the Buſineſs of the Regiſter-Office — I need not tell you that it contains a Proof of a Piece of Villainy, ſufficient to hang you both: however, Sir, in Conſidera⯑tion of your Family, I ſhall let your Crime ſlip unpuniſh⯑ed, on Condition of your reſtoring the Money, of which you have robb'd your Niece by a villainous Will.

Sir, I acknowledge my Offence, and will make whatever Reſtitution you require.

Enough, Sir—Mr. Williams, I ſee Frankly and the Officers at the Door—pray ſtep out, and tell him we have made up the Affair.

I ſhall, Sir.

I muſt beg leave to inform you, by way of leſ⯑ſening my Offence, that this Villain put me upon the Fraud, which was no ſooner executed, than he inſiſted on a thouſand Pounds for his Advice and Secrecy.

I am ſorry it is not in my Power to make an Ex⯑ample of him, without expoſing or puniſhing you: How⯑ever, if he will not agree to reſtore the Money, he ſhall be given up to Juſtice.

Sir, I ſhall reſtore it whenever the Lady pleaſes.

But this is not all your Puniſhment—I muſt inſiſt on the immediate Reſignation of your preſent Employ⯑ment—You are too dangerous a Man to be continued in a Regiſter Office any longer. And ſurther you muſt pay into the Hands of the Treaſurer of the Magdalen-Houſe, five hundred Pounds for the Uſe of that Charity. I am convinc'd, from your Connexions with Mother Snarewell, that you have been the Cauſe of bringing many a young Creature to Shame. It is but therefore Poetical Juſtice that you ſhould be obliged to contribute to the Support of ruin'd Innocence.

Sir, I am too much in your Power to diſpute your Will: but the Devil take the Porter for his Blunder in delivering the Letter!

Well, you have brought them to Terms I ſuppoſe?

Ay; Thanks to my Friend Williams, We have!

My dear Cuſhin, after I went away before, I forgot to remember to pay you for your Shivility; there⯑fore I am going to come back again to be out of your Debt.

Never mind it, Couſin — any other Time.

Arra! Joy, I am a Perſon of more Honour, than to continue in no body's Debt, when I owe him nothing at all—Beſides, my dear Creature, if I ſhould be taken ſick, and die of a Conſumption to night, you might tell me to my Face the next Time I ſeed you, that I ſtole out of the World on purpoſe to cheat you—There, my dear Cuſhin.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Murder! Murder!

Upon my Shoul, you lie now, Honey, for it is only a Shivil Beating!

A Plague on ſuch Civility, ſay I!

Lay on, Lad, an welcome; for the Deel bruſt me an I bid ye hald your Hand, gin ye ſkelp him this ſax Hours—Here's Wully, the Piper, tells me he's as great a Faw, as e'er ſwang in a Helter.

Begar! So ſay my Countryman, Monſieur la Fricaſie.

Gentlemen, what is the Matter between you and this Office-keeper?

Matter, my dear Joy! Nothing at all — I am only paying him for getting me a Plaiſh in the Weſt—Ah! the Devil Weſt you, my Dear! Your Weſt is ſome of the Plantations in the Eaſt-Indies, where Pickpockets are tranſported to — This kidnapping Raſcal was going to ſend me into the other World to be turn'd into a black Ne⯑gro—I had gone ſhure enough, if it had not been for Macarrell O Neill, whom I overtook, as we run againſt one another in your Engliſh St. Patrick's Church Yard—St. Paul's I believe they call it—He told me this Scoundrel Cuſhin had tranſported three of my Country⯑men, overland in a Ship to the Plantations, on Pretence of getting them Plaiſhes in the Weſt—I'll Plantation you, you Tie [...] of the World!

Gud troth, Wully tells me he play'd e'en ſic a Trick to twa o'my Countrymen.

Begar! me vill ave von kick at the Fanfaron for my von Chelin and tree alſpence.

Hold, my dear Creature!—Don't lift a Hand at him I beſeech you! For no Foreigners, but the Iriſh, muſt pretend to kick an Endliſhman.

Den pray give him von Kick for me.

Upon my Conſcience, but I would ſooner give him half a ſcore for myſelf.

What think ye, had, an we tak him to the neiſt Horſe-Pool, an waſh the Fleas aff him?

The Devil burn me but that is the very Thing, I was juſt going to think of! There's ſome of my Country⯑men at the Door that will aſſiſt—My dear Cuſhin, you muſt go along with us.

I beſeech you, Gentlemen, don't diſgrace me ſo publickly!

Gud troth, we'ſe no care a bawbie for your Diſgrace—Come, Wully, gie's a Lilt; and we'ſe carry him aff i' muſical Triumph — Do you guard him behind, Man.

Let me alone for that, Honey—If he offer to run away, I'll knock him down as dead as ever he was born.

Ha! ha! ha! There is ſo much Juſtice in the Raſcal's Puniſhment, that I was reſolved not to oppoſe the Execution of it—Now, My dear Maria, I have two Favours to aſk of you, both of which I hope you will grant me.

Sir, you have been my Deliverer, and cannot aſk any Thing, Conſiſtent with Honour, that I ſhall refuſe.

Firſt then I muſt deſire you to forgive the Cauſe of your quitting my Houſe: in the next Place, that you will return with me to Somerſetſhire; not in the Capacity of a Houſekeeper, but a Wife—Don't imagine the Re⯑covery of your Fortune hath induced me to this Propoſal— Mr. Frankly can convince you the ſole lntent of my Journey to Town was to marry you.

Sir, I don't diſpute your Veracity; and muſt belie my own Heart, if I make any Objection to your honourable Propoſal.

An honeſt Girl ifaith! — Come, my dear Ma⯑ria, let us ſtep to Frankly's, and I'll order my Poſt Chariot to drive us to Doctors Commons — My Friend Charles and Mr. Williams, will be kind enought to at⯑tend us.

With all my Heart.—So the Adventure of the Regiſter-Office hath turn'd out a lucky Affair?

Fortunate for me indeed! And were I not fully convinced of the great Service, ariſing to the Commu⯑nity, from the Inſtitution and proper Management of a Regiſter-Office, I ſhould be apt to conclude, from the Trick, Villainy, and Chicanery I have ſeen practiſed within this Hour, that none but a Fool or a Knave would ever ſet foot within it's Walls.