CHAP. I. Mrs. Bull's Vindication of the indiſpenſable Duty of Cuckol⯑dom, incumbent upon Wives, in caſe of the Tyranny, Infidelity, or Inſufficiency of Husbands: Being a full Anſwer to the Doctor's Sermon againſt Adultery.

JOHN found daily freſh Proofs of the Infidelity and bad Deſigns of his deceas'd Wife; amongſt other Things, one Day looking over his Ca⯑binet, he found the following Paper.

CHAP. II. The two great Parties of Wives, the Devoto's and the Hitts.

THE Doctrine of unlimited Chaſtity and Fide⯑lity in Wives, was univerſally eſpous'd by all Husbands, who went about the Country, and made the Wives ſign Papers, ſignifying their utter Dete⯑ſtation and Abhorrence of Mrs. Bull's wicked Doctrine of the indiſpenſable Duty of Cuckoldom. Some yielded, others refuſed to part with their native Li⯑berty; which gave riſe to two great Parties amongſt the Wives, the Devoto's and the Hitts. Tho' it muſt [...]e own'd, the diſtinction was more nominal than [...]eal; for the Devoto's would abuſe Freedoms ſome⯑ [...]imes; and thoſe who were diſtinguiſh'd by the Name [...] Hitts, were often very honeſt. At the ſame [...]me there was an ingenious Treatiſe came out, with [...]e Title of Good Advice to Husbands; in which they [...] counſell'd not to truſt too much to their Wives [...]ning the Doctrine of unlimited conjugal Fidelity, [...]d ſo to neglect Family Duty, and a due watchful⯑neſs [9] over the Manners of their Wives; that the greateſt Security to Husbands was a vigorous Con⯑ſtitution, good Uſage of their Wives, and keeping them from Temptation; many Husbands having been Sufferers by their truſting too much to general Profeſſions, as was exemplified in the Caſe of a fooliſh and negligent Husband, who truſting to the Efficacy of this Principle, was undone by his Wife's Elope⯑ment from him.

CHAP. II. An Account of the Conference between Mrs. Bull and Don Diego Diſmallo.

IS it poſſible, Couſin Bull, that you can forget the honourable Maxims of the Family you are come of, and break your word with three of the honeſteſt beſt meaning Perſons in the World, Eſquire South, Frog and Hocus, that have ſacrific'd their Intereſt to yours? It is baſe to take Advantage of their Simplicity and Credulity, and leave them in the lurch at laſt.

I am ſure they have left my Family in a bad Condition, we have hardly Money to go to Mar⯑ket, and no Body will take our Words for Six Pence. A very fine Spark this Eſquire South! My Husband took him in, a dirty, ſnotty-nos'd Boy, it was the Buſineſs of half the Servants to attend him, the Rogue did bawl and make ſuch a noiſe: Sometimes he fell in the Fire and burnt his Face, ſometimes broke his Shins clambering over the Benches, often piſs'd a-Bed, and always came in ſo dirty, as if he had been dragg'd thro' the Kennel at a Boarding-School. He loſt his Money at Chuck-Farthing, Shuffle-Cap, and All-Fours; ſold his Books, pawn'd his Linnen, which we were always forc'd to redeem. Then the whole Generation of him are ſo in love with Bagpipes and [10] Poppet Shows; I wiſh you knew what my Husband has paid at the Paſtry Cooks and Confectioners, for Naples Biſcuit, Tarts, Cuſtards, and Sweet-Meats. All this while my Husband conſider'd him as a Gen⯑tleman of a good Family that had fallen into Decay, gave him good Education, and has ſettled him in a good Credible way of Living, having procur'd him, by his Intereſt, one of the beſt Places of the Country; and what return, think you, does this fine Gentle⯑man make us? he will hardly give me or my Huſ⯑band a good Word, or a civil Expreſſion: Inſtead of plain Sir and Madam (which, tho' I ſay it, is our doe) he calls us Goody and Gaffer ſuch a one, that he did us a great deal Honour to Board with us; huffs and dings at ſuch a rate, becauſe we will not ſpend the little we have left to get him the Title and Eſtate of Lord Strutt; and then, forſooth, we ſhall have the Honour to be his Woollen-drapers.

And would you loſe the Honour of ſo noble and generous an Undertaking? would you rather accept the ſcandalous Compoſition, and truſt that old Rogue, Lewis Baboon?

Look you, Friend Diego, if we Law it on till Lewis turns honeſt, I am afraid our Credit will run low at Blackwell-Hall; I wiſh every Man had his own; but I ſtill ſay, that Lord Strutt's Money ſhines as bright, and chinks as well as Eſquire South's. I don't know any other Hold that we Tradeſmen have of theſe great Folks, but their Intereſt; buy dear, and ſell cheap, and I'll warrant ye you will keep your Cuſtomer. The worſt is, that Lord Strutt's Servants have got ſuch a haunt about that old Rogue's Shop, that it will coſt us many a Firkin of ſtrong Beer to bring them back again, and the longer they are in a bad Road, the harder it will be to get them out of it.

But poor Frog, what has he done! On my Conſcience, if there be an honeſt, ſincere Man in the World, it is that Frog.

I think I need not tell you how much Frog has been oblig'd to our Family from his Child⯑hood; he carries his Head high now, but he had never been the Man he is, without our Help. Ever ſince the Commencement of this Law-Suit it has been the Buſineſs of Hocus, in ſharing our Ex⯑pences, to plead for Frog. Poor Frog, (ſays he) is in hard Circumſtances, he has a numerous Family, and lives from Hand to Mouth; his Children don't eat a bit of good Victuals from one Year's end to the other, but live upon Salt Herring, ſowr Crud, and Bore-cole; he does his utmoſt, poor Fellow, to keep things even in the World, and has exerted himſelf beyond his Ability in this Law-Suit, but he really has not where-withal to go on. What ſignifies this Hundred Pounds, place it upon your ſide of the Account; it is a great deal to poor Frog, and a Trifle to you. This has been Hocus's conſtant Lan⯑guage, and I am ſure he has had Obligations enough to us to have acted another Part.

No doubt Hocus meant all this for the beſt, but he is a tender-hearted charitable Men; Frog is indeed in hard Circumſtances.

Hard Circumſtances! I ſwear this is provoking to the laſt degree. All the time of the Law-Suit, as faſt as I have Mortgaged, Frog has pur⯑chas'd: From a plain Tradeſman, with a Shop, Warehouſe, and a Country-Hutt, with a dirty Fiſh-Pond at the end of it, he is now grown a very rich Country Gentleman, with a noble-landed Eſtate, noble Palaces, Manors, Parks, Gardens and Farms, finer than any we were ever Maſter of. Is it not ſtrange, when my Husband disburs'd great Sums every Term, Frog ſhould be purchaſing ſome new Farm or Manor? So that if this Law-Suit laſts, he will be far the richeſt Man in his Country. What is worſe than all this, he ſteals away my Cuſtomers every Day; I have Twelve of the richeſt, and the beſt, that have left my Shop by his Perſwaſion, and [12] whom, to my certain Knowledge, he has under Bonds never to return again: Judge you if this be neigh⯑bourly Dealing.

Frog is indeed pretty cloſe in his Deal⯑ings, but very honeſt: You are ſo touchy, and take things ſo hotly, I am ſure there muſt be ſome Miſtake in this.

A plaguy one indeed! You know, and have often told me of it, how Hocus and thoſe Rogues kept my Husband, John Bull, drunk for five Years together, with Punch and Strong Waters; I am ſure he never went one Night ſober to Bed, till they got him to ſign the ſtrangeſt Deed that ever you ſaw in your Life. The Methods they took to manage him I'll tell you another time, at preſent I'll only read the Writing.

[14]The reading of this Paper put Mrs. Bull in ſuch a Paſſion, that ſhe fell downright into a Fit, and they were forc'd to give her a good quantity of the Spirit of Hartſhorn before ſhe recover'd.

Why in ſuch a Paſſion, Couſin? Conſi⯑dering your Circumſtances at that time, I don't think this ſuch an unreaſonable Contract. You ſee Frog, for all this, is religiouſly true to his Bargain, he ſcorns to hearken to any Competition without your Privacy.

You know the contrary, read that Letter.

I am told, Couſin Diego, you are one of thoſe that have undertaken to manage me, and that you have [15] ſaid you will carry a Green Eag your ſelf, rather than we ſhall make an end of our Law-Suit: I'll teach them and you too to manage.

For God's ſake, Madam, why ſo Cho⯑lerick? I ſay, this Letter is ſome Forgery, it never enter'd into the Head of that honeſt Man, Nic. Frog, to do any ſuch think.

I can't abide you, you have been railing theſe Twenty Years at Eſquire South, Frog and Hocus, calling them Rogues and Pick-Pockets, and now they are turn'd the honeſteſt Fellows in the World; what is the meaning of all this?

Pray tell me how you came to employ this Sir Roger in your Affairs, and not think of your old Friend Diego?

So, ſo, there it pinches. To tell you truth, I have employ'd Sir Roger in ſeveral weighty Affairs, and have found him truſty and honeſt, and the poor Man always ſcorn'd to take a Farthing of me. I have abundance that profeſs great Zeal, but they are damnable greedy of the Pence. My Husband and I are now in ſuch Circumſtances, that we muſt be ſerv'd upon cheaper Terms than we have been.

Well, Couſin, I find I can do no good with you, I am ſorry that you will ruin your ſelf by truſting this Sir Roger.

CHAP. IV. How the Guardians of the deceas'd Mrs. Bull's three Daughters came to John, and what Advice they gave him; wherein is briefly treated the Characters of the three Daughters: Alſo John Bull's Anſwer to the three Guardians.

I Told you in my firſt Part, that Mrs. Bull, before ſhe departed this Life, had bleſs'd John with three Daughters; I need not here repeat their Names, nei⯑ther [16] would I willingly uſe any ſcandalous Reflections upon young Ladies, whoſe Reputations ought to be very tenderly handled; but the Characters of theſe were ſo well known in the Neighbourhood, that it is doing them no Injury to make a ſhort Deſcription of them.

The Eldeſt was a termagant, imperious, prodigal. lewd, profligate Wench, as ever breath'd; ſhe uſed to Rantipole about the Houſe, pinch the Children, kick the Servants, and torture the Cats and the Dogs; ſhe would rob her Father's ſtrong Box, for Money to give the young Fellows that ſhe was fond of: She had a noble Air, and ſomething great in her Mein, but ſuch a noiſome infectious Breath, as threw all the Servants that dreſs'd her into Conſumptions; if ſhe ſmelt to the freſheſt Noſegay, it would ſhrivel and wither as it had been blighted: She us'd to come home in her Cups, and break the China, and the Looking-glaſſes, and was of ſuch an irregular Tem⯑per, and ſo entirely given up to her Paſſion, that you might argue as well with the Northwind, as with her Ladyſhip; ſo Expenſive, that the Income of three Dukedoms was not enough to ſupply her Extrava⯑gance. Hocus lov'd her beſt, believing her to be his own, got upon the Body of Mrs. Bull.

The ſecond Daughter, born a Year after her Siſter, was a peeviſh, froward, ill-condition'd Creature as ever was born, ugly as the Devil, lean, haggard, pale, with ſaucer Eyes, a ſharp Noſe and hunch-back'd, but active, ſprightly and diligent about her Affairs. Her Ill-Complexion was occaſion'd by her bad Diet, which was Coffee, Morning, Noon and Night. She never reſted quietly a Bed, but uſed to diſturb the whole Family with ſhrieking out in her Dreams, and plague them next Day with interpreting them, for ſhe took them all for Goſpel. She would cry out Murder, and diſturb the whole Neighbourhood; and when John came running down Stairs to enquire [17] what the Matter was, nothing forſooth, only her Maid had ſtuck a Pin wrong in her Gown. She turn'd away one Servant for putting too much Oil in her Sallad, and another for putting too little Salt in her Water-Cruel. But ſuch as by Flattery had procur'd her Eſteem, ſhe would indulge in the greateſt Crimes. Her Father had two Coachmen, when one was in the Coach-box, if the Coach ſwung but the leaſt to one ſide, ſhe uſed to ſhriek ſo loud, that all the Street concluded ſhe was overturn'd; but tho' the other was eternally Drunk, and had overturn'd the whole Family, ſhe was very angry with her Father for turning him away. Then ſhe uſed to carry Tales and Stories from one to another, till ſhe had ſet the whole Neighbourhood together by the Ears; and this was the only Diverſion ſhe took pleaſure in. She never went abroad, but ſhe brought home ſuch a bun⯑dle of monſtrous Lyes as would have amaz'd any Mortal, but ſuch as knew her: Of a Whale that had ſwallow'd a Fleet of Ships; of the Lyons being let out of the Tower, to deſtroy the Proteſtant Religion; of the Pope's being ſeen in a Brandy Shop at Wap⯑ping, and a prodigious ſtrong Man that was going to ſhove down the Cupola of Paul's; of Three millions of Five Pound Pieces that Eſquire South had found under an old Wall; of Blazing-Stars, Flying Dra⯑gons, and abundance of ſuch Stuff. All the Ser⯑vants in the Family made high Court to her, for ſhe Domineer'd there, and turn'd out and in whom ſhe pleas'd; only there was an old Grudge between her and Sir Roger, whom ſhe mortally hated, and uſed to hire Fellows to ſquirt Kennel Water upon him as he paſs'd along the Streets, ſo that he was forc'd con⯑ſtantly to wear a Surtout of oil'd Cloath, by which means he came home pretty clean, except where the Surtout was a little ſcanty.

As for the Third, ſhe was a Thief, and a com⯑mon mercenary Proſtitute, and that without any [18] Solicitation from Nature, for ſhe own'd ſhe had no Enjoyment. She had no Reſpect of Perſons, a Prince or a Porter was all one, according as they paid; yea ſhe would leave the fineſt Gentleman in the World to go to an ugly pocky Fellow, for Six Pence more. In the practice of her Profeſſion ſhe had amaſs'd vaſt Magazines of all ſorts of Things; ſhe had above Five hundred Suits of fine Clothes, and yet went abroad like a Cynder-Wench: She robb'd and ſtarv'd all the Servants, ſo that no Body could live near her.

So much for John's three Daughters, which you will ſay were Rarities to be fond of. Yet Nature will ſhow it ſelf; no Body could blame their Rela⯑tions for taking care of them, and therefore it was that Hocus, with two other of the Guardians, thought it their Duty to take care of the Intereſt of the three Girls, and give John their beſt Advice, before he Compounded the Law-Suit.

What makes you ſo ſhy of late, my good Friend? There's no Body loves you better than I, nor has taken more pains in your Affairs: As I hop'd to be ſav'd I would do any thing to ſerve you, I would crawl upon all Four to ſerve you; I have ſpent my Health, and paternal Eſtate in your Ser⯑vice; I have, indeed, a ſmall Pittance left, with which I might retire, and with as good a Conſci⯑ence as any Man. But the thoughts of this diſgrace⯑ful Compoſition ſo touches me to the Quick, that I cannot ſleep: After I had brought the Cauſe to the laſt Stroke, that one Verdict more had quite ruin'd old Lewis and Lord Strutt, and put you in the quiet Poſſeſſion of every thing; then to Compound, I can⯑not bear it. This Cauſe was my Favourite, I had ſet my Heart upon it; it is like an only Child, I cannot endure it ſhould miſcarry: For God ſake conſider only to what a diſmal Condition old Lewis [19] is brought: He is at an end of all his Caſh, his At⯑torneys have hardly one Trick left, they are at an end of all their Chicane; beſides, he has both his Law and his daily Bread now upon Truſt: Hold out only one Term longer, and, I'll warrant you, before the next, we ſhall have him in the Fleet. I'll bring him to the Pillory, his Ears ſhall pay for his Per⯑juries; for the Love of God don't Compound, let me be Damn'd if you have a Friend in the World that loves you better than I; there is no Body can ſay I am Covetous, or that I have any Intereſt to purſue but yours.

There is nothing ſo plain, than that this Lewis has a deſign to Ruin all his neighbouring Tradeſmen, and at this time he has ſuch a prodi⯑gious Income, by his Trade of all kinds, that if there is not ſome ſtop put to his Exorbitant Riches, he will Monopolize every thing, and no Body will be able to ſell a Yard of Drapery or Mercery Ware but himſelf. I therefore hold it adviſable, that you continue the Law-Suit, and burſt him at once. My Concern for the three poor Motherleſs Children ob⯑liges me to give you this Advice, for their Eſtates, poor Girls, depend upon the Succeſs of this Cauſe.

I own this Writ of Ejectment has coſt dear, but then conſider it is a Jewel well worth the Purchaſing, at the Price of all you have. None but Mr. Bull's declar'd Enemies can ſay he has any other Security for his Cloathing Trade, but the Ejectment of Lord Strutt. The only Queſtion then that remains to be decided, is, Who ſhall ſtand the: Expences of the Suit? To which the Anſwer is as plain, Who but he that is to have the Advantage of the Sentence? When Eſquire South has got Poſſeſ⯑ſion of his Title and Honour, is not John Bull to be his Clothier? Who then but John ought to put him in Poſſeſſion? Ask but any indifferent Gentleman [20] who ought to bear his Charges at Law? and he will readily anſwer, his Tradeſmen. I do therefore affirm, and I will go to Death with it, that, being his Clothier, you ought to put him in quiet Poſſeſſion of his Eſtate, and with the ſame generous Spirit you have begun it, compleat the good Work. If you perſiſt in the bad Meaſures you are now in, what muſt be⯑come of the three poor Orphans? My Heart bleeds for the poor Girls.

You are all very eloquent Perſons, but give me leave to tell you, that you expreſs a great deal of more Concern for the three Girls than for me; I think my Intereſt ought to be conſider'd in the firſt place. As for you, Hocus, I can't but ſay you have managed my Law-Suit with great Addreſs, and much to my Honour; and, tho' I ſay it, you have been well paid for it; never was Attornies Bill more Extravagant, and, give me leave to ſay, there are many Articles which the moſt griping of your Pro⯑feſſion never demanded. I have truſted you with the disburſing great Sums of Money, and you have conſtantly ſunk ſome into your own Pocket. I tell you I don't like that Sinking. Why muſt the Bur⯑then be taken off Frog's Back, and laid upon my Shoulders? He can drive about his own Parks and Fields in his gilt Chariot, when I have been forc'd to Mortgage my Eſtate! his Note will go farther than my Bond! Is it not Matter of Fact, that from the richeſt Tradeſman in all the Country, I am re⯑duced to beg and borrow from Scriveners and Uſu⯑rers, that ſuck the Heart, Blood and Guts out of me, and what was all this for? Did you like Frog's Countenance better than mine? Was not I your old Friend and Relation? Have I not Preſented you nobly? Have I not clad your whole Family? Have you not had an Hundred Yards at a time, of the fineſt Cloath in my Shop? Why muſt the reſt [21] of the Tradeſmen be not only indemnified from Charges, but forbid to go on with their own Buſi⯑neſs; and what is more their Concern than mine? As to holding out this Term, I Appeal to your own Conſcience, has not that been your conſtant Diſ⯑courſe theſe Six Years, one Term more, and old Lewis goes to Pot; if thou art ſo fond of my Cauſe, be ge⯑nerous for once, and lend me a brace of Thouſands. Ah Hocus! Hocus! I know thee, not a Sous to ſave me from Goal, I trow. Look ye, Gentlemen, I have liv'd with Credit in the World, and it grieves my Heart, never to ſtir out of my Doors, but to be pull'd by the Sleeve by ſome Raſcally Dun, or another: Sir, Remember my Bill: There's a ſmall Con⯑cern of a Thouſand Pounds, I hope you think on't, Sir. And to have theſe Uſurers tranſact my Debts at Coffee-Houſes and Ale-Houſes, as if I were going to break-up Shop. Lord! That ever the Rich, the Generous John Bull, Clothier, the Envy of all his Neighbours, ſhould be brought to Compound his Debts for Five Shillings in the Pound; and to have his Name in an Advertiſement, for a Statute of Bankrupt. The Thoughts of it makes me Mad. I have read ſome-where in the Apocrypha, That one ſhould not conſult with a Woman touching her, of whom ſhe is Jealous; nor with a Merchant, concerning Ex⯑change, nor with a Buyer, of Selling; nor with an unmer⯑ciful Man of Kindneſs, &c. I could have added one thing more; Nor with an Attorney, about Compounding a Law-Suit. This Ejectment of Lord Strutt will ne⯑ver do. The Evidence is Crimp; the Witneſſes ſwear backwards and forwards, and Contradict them⯑ſelves, and his Tenants ſtick by him. If it were pra⯑cticable, is it reaſonable, that when Eſquire South is loſing his Money to Sharpers and Pick-Pockets, going about the Country with Fidlers and Buffoons, and ſquandring his Income with Hawks and Dogs, [22] I ſhould lay out the Fruits of my honeſt Induſtry in a Law-Suit for him, only upon the hopes of be⯑ing his Clothier? and when the Cauſe is over, I ſhall not have the Benefit of my Project, for want of Money to go to Market. Look ye, Gentlemen, John Bull is but a plain Man; but John Bull knows when he is ill uſed. I know the Infirmity of our Family; we are apt to play the Boon-Companion, and throw away our Money in our Cups: But it was an unfair thing in you, Gentlemen, to take Advantage of my Weakneſs, to keep a parcel of roaring Bulleys about me, Day and Night, with Huzza's, and Hunting-Horns, and Ringing the Changes on Butchers Cleavers; never to let me cool, and make me ſet my Hands to Papers, when I could hardly hold my Pen. There will come a Day of Reckoning for all that Proceeding. In the mean time, Gentlemen, I beg you will let me into my Affairs a little, and that you would not grudge me very ſmall Remainder of a very great Eſtate.

CHAP. V. Eſquire South's Meſſage and Letter to Mrs. Bull.

THE Arguments us'd by Hocus, and the reſt of the Guardians, had hitherto prov'd inſuffi⯑cient. John and his Wife could not be perſwaded to bear the Expence of Eſquire South's Law-Suit. They thought it reaſonable, that ſince he was to have the Honour and Advantage, he would bear the greateſt Share of the Charges; and retrench what he loſt to Sharpers, and ſpent upon Country-Dances, and Puppet-Plays, to apply it to that uſe. This was not very grateful to the Eſquire: Therefore, as the laſt Experiment, he was reſolved to ſend Sig⯑nior [23] Benenato, Maſter of his Fox-Hounds, to Mrs. Bull, to try what good he could do with her. This Signior Benenato had all the Qualities of a fine Gen⯑tleman, that were fit to Charm a Lady's Heart; and if any Perſon in the World could have perſwa⯑ded her, it was he: But ſuch was her unſhaken Fi⯑delity to her Husband, and the conſtant Purpoſe of her Mind to purſue his Intereſt, that the moſt re⯑fined Arts of Gallantry, that were practis'd, could not ſeduce her Loyal Heart. The Necklaces, Dia⯑mond Croſſes, and rich Bracelets that were offer'd, ſhe rejected with the utmoſt Scorn and Diſdain. The Muſick and Serenades that were given her, ſounded more ungratefully in her Ears, than the Noiſe of a Screech Owl; however ſhe receiv'd Eſquire South's Letter, by the Hands of Signior Be⯑nenato, with that Reſpect which became his Quality. The Copy of the Letter is as follows; in which you will obſerve he Changes, a little, his uſual Stile.

[24] What Anſwer Mrs. Bull return'd to this Letter, you ſhall know in my Third Part, only they were at a pretty good diſtance in their Propoſals; for as Eſquire South only offer'd to be at the Charges of Pen, Ink and Paper, Mrs Bull refus'd any more than to lend her Barge, to carry his Counſel to Weſt⯑minſter-Hall.